A broad abroad.

So this special stomach has been as busy as some kind of person who has lots of stuff to do. Probably not as busy as a beaver, because those jokes get old and I've never really seen a beaver in action (lol, okay, those jokes don't ever get old), so I can't really compare myself to one. But, boy, have I been busy! I apologise for my absence (to those millions of people I'm sure read this. lol.).

On the plus side, some of this absent time was spent on a much needed trip abroad. Two days in Malaysia, 15 in Indonesia. Praise the gourds, was it wonderful! I was a little nervous, having travelled to Asia for many years, I have always loved the food and was hesitant to find out what I had to wave goodbye to since finding out about the good ol' Coeliac Attack. So, I tentatively peeked out from between the fingers covering my eyes and was so relieved to find that there was still so much I could enjoy. Sunshine, scuba diving and monkeys aside, the food was fantastic as always.

From fine dining to road side food carts, South East Asia is a wonderland for any Coeliac looking for a break that won't bore your belly. Obviously almost everything comes with rice, so you'll always have that as a fall back if you're unsure of what to ask for. The main things to avoid are obviously sauces and thickeners, soy sauce, being the most common, however certain brands are available which are without wheat flour (“tepung terigu” in Indonesian) “San-J” and “Bango” brand being my favourite of these. The safest bet is if they have tamari sauce available instead. If you’re still nervous just ask for “tanpa kecap” (without sauce). The major hurdle is avoiding MSG (Monosodium Glutamate). It’s in pretty much everything. I managed to find one brand of rice noodle packets which did not have MSG in the sachets called “super bihun” which was quite tasty too. MSG is often referred to as “Masako” which is the most common brand that sells it, there are even ads on TV with happy families yelling about how delicious it is to pour these little sachets of white powder into your dinner! Lol. So asking for “Tanpa Masako/MSG” (without MSG) is the best bet. Everywhere you go. Everywhereeeee.

Serious part over. Fun part now: Peekatures!

Fine dining in Bali: Le 48 appetisers= cherry tomatoes dipped in caramel toffee and cashews.

Odd and incredible.

My favourite dish in the world: Sate lillit (fish satay with lemongrass as the skewers, spicy peanut satay sauce and rice).

This is mouth paradise.

Dessert: Chocolate mousse thick enough to stand your spoon up in, yo.

*is covered in own saliva*

Shopping at Amlapura market for fresh fruit, vegetables, rice and happiness.

When it's super hot and sweaty (and attractive) in Asia: Pineapple sorbet...IN A PINEAPPLE.

FRICK YES!

60c lunch at our favourite warung: fuyanghai omlette, rice.

OMNOMNOMNOM.

Happy fluoro rice cakes.

Hello diabetes, but also smiles.

Things I have struggled with this past month:

• Staying positive.
• Leaving Asia!
• Being told by others what I can or cannot eat before I’ve had a chance to check the labels. I’m stubborn, so this was a hard one (lol again, sorrytoeveryone).
• A few too many contaminated dishes lead to some churny moments and spider-belly-bloating re-visited.

Things which have made it all worth it:

• Still being able to enjoy myself overseas to almost the full extent I could before I was diagnosed.
• To lose the fear of travelling and how being gluten-free would hinder this.
• Cider. Obv.

A Special Belly goes to a Regular Event.

Christmas last year I was blissfully unaware of the poisonous happenings in my internal organs.

Okay, I lied. I knew something was wrong, what with all the pooping and reflux and vommity-vomvom days, but I was still casually devouring magnum egos (why, oh why put wheat in you? You’re so lovely. We used to be friends…), sour dough, m&m's, ginger cookies, humble pies and other such toxic-tummy-treats.

I enjoyed a Christmas with bread and crackers and beer and regular tomato sauce as my intestines turned and churned and I felt gradually weaker and weaker when I bestowed my Other-Half/Partner in Crime/Lover O’Mine with tickets for us to attend East Coast BluesFest (if you’re reading from other parts of the globe, it’s five/six days over Easter of music from across the world, mostly blues, roots, world music, ska, indie and indigenous, but there are always some other surprises on the list). This year we were lucky enough to be seeing Bob Dylan (a let down, I saw him in 2008 and he was incredible, this time nobody could see and he seemed like he was a bit lost?), Jethro Tull (amazing!! The energy!), BB King (wow), Elvis Costello (!), Imogen Heap (always our favourite) and Ben Harper (not Ben Folds, though sometimes they're easily confused by my boyfriend...yep) to name a few (also Tim Robbins was there, in a grass-roots band. As in the guy from Shawshank Redemption. And he was great! WTF?). When I purchased the tickets I was not at all aware that I was suffering from Coeliac Disease and thought nothing of attending another festival with my beloved (our favourite activity when it can be afforded). When the time came around for us to go I was around a month into my journey through learning the lay of the gluten-free land and just starting to feel confident. I was slightly nervous heading off to a long weekend of camping and long lines for toilets and a food contamination mine field so we decided to play it safe.

Seeing as I had just recieved my discount card (above) for Coles from the Coeliac Society (thank the gourds! Sometimes you save heaps, but most of the time it's just a little bit, so it all helps) we went to Coles and loaded up on supplies for the six days. I thought I probably wouldn’t be able to eat anything from the stalls inside the festival like we usually do, so we had enough to cook every meal and then snacks on the side. Team Awesome Coeliac was ready for anything.

The weekend itself was an incredible experience and an even more fantastic success for me as a Coeliac. We cooked delicious meals on our little one burner gas camping stove such as:

GF macaroni and cheese with tuna and corn, haloumi with eggs and baked beans, tofu and vegetable korma w/ rice (lasted for two meals for two people), and tofu pad thai (found GF sauce in Coles and it was delicious)! Om nom. We ate a lot of rice crackers, GF dip, cheese, tuna, and nuts in between. We also made a trip into Ballina one day for some swimming and prawn devouring. Srsly, the best I’ve ever had in my life. Look: 

 If you’re in the area, make sure you eat some kind of fishy creature. The place is a sea of all things trawled. Or something. I may be busy drooling and not thinking. Probably.

The biggest surprise though? If I didn’t bring my own food, I still had so many options! We ended up buying about four-five things in the festival, mainly just to try them. The big, exciting surprise was that my favourite dish to eat at festivals is the Jamaican Lime Chilli Squid…and I never even knew it was safe for Coeliac bellies! The stall is famous for attending music events in QLD and Far North NSW (Splendour in the Grass, Woodford, Bluesfest etc.) and they had a giant sign saying “Gluten Free” out the front. I nearly cried I was so happy.

It comes with coconut rice and salad with homemade dressing. Sorry if the tentacles freak you out, they did for me the first time, now I'll never go back. They are full of curly, squid-gey happiness. All finished! That plate was licked good and proper. Believe me.

Friends also bought some Organic Popcorn which was GF, warm and delicious. No photo, because, well, it was popcorn. It looks like...popcorn.

There was GF Greek food (Haloumi, meat or felafel plates, but the lines were always huge and the fumes from the smoking meat out the front put me off a bit), GF buckwheat crepes and Creole fries which were pretty freaking good. The pie stand offered one GF lentil pie, but they were all out when we tried to devour one. Too cool, I guess?

Overall the festival was wonderful, not at all nerve wracking food-wise so I was able to relax and enjoy myself without having to run to the dreaded portaloo every ten minutes as I have done in BC (Before Coeliac) times.

Things which really grind my gears (Lol, Peter Griffin <3):

• People who say “Oh, I don't get it? So the doctor says you can’t eat bread? That’s sad, I guess.” And think that’s all there is to this. Um, yes. I just can't. It's just SO sad when I rock up to McDonalds and ask for a BigMac sans buns. Sticky too. Srsly?!
• Being told by a storeperson that something is GF and then discovering they were of the school of thought the above people attended. i.e. They just took out the bread. The sauce is still made with flour and it had some crumbs, but it's okay, we brushed them off. kthnxbai. Sigh.
• Reflux. It’s getting better, but it’s still uber annoying. I can't stand people who repeat themselves, so why does my throat want to repeat all the meals I've had today? (Bah doom ching!)

Things which have been wonderful lately:

• Pumpkin soup with lots of cracked pepper. Enough said. I’m about to go make a giant pot-full now.
• The Coeliac Shack in Redcliffe. It’s seriously worth the trip if you don’t live nearby. The selection of food is great, but the best part is the prices. This place is definitely not trying to rip anyone off. Originally started by people with Coeliac Disease for people with Coeliac Disease. Perfect.
• All the gluten-free gifts people gave me for my birthday! Lollies, muffin and cake mixes, felafel mix, chicken salt (wtf?! Awesome!).
• My mum baking me a gluten-free chocolate cake for my birthday (it was fantastic!) and my friends baking gf cupcakes (two different types, both amazeballs). Their first attempts and they all did so well! I am Jill's gigantic sense of appreciation.
• Pretty much everyone I know.
• Going to theme parks/festivals and being able to bring my own food in with the flash of the Coeliac Society “I must adhere to a strict medically prescribed diet” card. WIN. Not only a Coeliac win, but also a money-saving one. This is one secret club I don't mind being in.



Snow White and her apple cake of glory.

So, I have snow in my hair. For a few years now I’ve been struggling with what I thought was dandruff (uber embarrassing when you brush your hair out of your face and shower your black clothes in white freckles. Black because you’re clever and hip and a little bit emo, obv.) and have now owned every single type of anti-dandruff shampoo available in Oz and none of them have ever made a dent in the problem.

 My last visit to the hairdresser about six months ago (I don’t go very often, I cut my own hair until it gets to the point where people giggle and sneer at the rat’s nest atop my noggin THEN and only then will I pay money for someone to touch it. That’s what she said. Lol. I also cut my hair myself because I’m indie and devil-may-care and a super cool trend setter, obv. Double lol.) I was talking to the hairdresser about it AGAIN and she suggested that maybe it’s not dandruff, but actually a really, really dry scalp. I said “Polly (Her name isn’t Polly, but I LOVE the name Polly, so let’s just imagine it is because I have no idea what her name is. How rude of me? I paid her to touch me and everything. Lol!) I’ve tried every single type of moisturising product there is too, I’ve tried everything!! It won’t go away!!” Polly, being the clever salesman ninja that she is, sold me expensive fancypants conditioner which made my hair beautiful and soft, but had no effect on the white death on my scalp (damn you, Polly!). In the past few months it has only escalated to a point where I was nervous to touch my hair at all for fear of the dust storm that would inevitably ensue.

I’ll get to my point now.

I was lucky enough to receive my Coeliac Society WELCOME! package a few days ago. Said package of excitement and greatness was filled to the brim with information and samples. Oh, go on, have a look!

Upon foraging through the information I discovered a pamphlet all about Coeliac skin problems and found that it can lead to alopecia (I don't have that, but I thought it was interesting) which obviously makes me think of The O.C and China the horse who had the same problem. The major connection that I was interested in was with Coeliac Disease and Psoriasis/Dermatitis Herpetiformis. Yuckers. Itchy, skin rash of crazy proportions which is directly related to the disease which can sometimes be in specific patches, like the scalp. DUN DUN DUNNNNN. How frightening. I scratch my head just re-reading about it. But yet again that feeling of relief came over me. A REASON. OH, HAPPY DAY!

 Supposedly if I stick to the diet, the symptoms will disappear. After speaking with the nutritionist (update below) last week I learned that my “gut” (lol) won’t heal from all the damage of the allergic reactions until at least 2 months time, six months to see the overall affects. So I’m hoping the same goes for the whole snowfield hair situation. I can't wait to run my fingers through my own hair and not have a PANIC! moment (see, I had a point!).

So, obviously, if I’m writing about dandruff, that leads me to share a recipe for cake with you. The two go hand in hand: sprinkles. duh.

Chocolate Apple Cake of Tasty Mouth Explosions

4 apples, grated

¾ cup corn flour

¾ cup rice flour

¼ cup cocoa

1/3 cup caster sugar/brown sugar/ agave syrup

1 teaspoon bicarb

¼ cup almond meal

3 eggs, beaten slightly

2 bananas, mashed

1/3 cup vegetable oil

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract (NOT essence, it’s not GF)

Icing: 1 cup icing sugar

 1 tablespoon cocoa powder

2 tablespoons of juice (apple would be good, I used V8 berry juice)

1. Preheat oven to 180 degrees celsius, 160 if fanforced. Line lamington/brownie pan (20cm x 30cm ish) with baking paper.

2. Peel and grate apples. The recipe I used as a guide told me to then chop the grated apple, but I didn’t and it gave it a wonderful texture. Like biting into moss or something.

3. Sift all dry ingredients together into a large bowl, stir in the apple, meal, eggs, oil and extract. Pour into pan.

4. Bake for around 45 mins.

5. Meanwhile make icing, when cake is finished, tip out upside down to cool on wire rack and ice when cooled. You won't have time to take a photo before a significant chunk is already in the bellies of your loved ones:

OM NOM NOM.

So, the nutritionist was wonderful and gave me lists and lists of things I CAN eat, rather than can’t. Praise the gourds! She has also asked me to document everything I eat for the next two weeks before reporting back for judgement and suggestions. I am Jack’s healing colon.  Things I learned from the nutritionist:

• She talked to me a lot about osteoporosis and how I need to be really careful in making sure I have ALL THE CALCIUM EVER each day. So I took her advice and all the yoghurt and cheese in the land now resides in our fridge. 
• Seeded mustard, vanilla essence, liquorice and white vinegar are all dangerous and un-eatable for Coeliac peeps. I had no idea!
• The main challenge will be eating out at restaurants and getting “quick meals.” She gave me a list of some places in the area which are starting to cater for spesh’ people like us, but also lovely tips like making/getting GF pizza bases and putting sauce and toppings on them, wrapping them in gladwrap and putting them in the freezer. Ta-da! Frozen pizza like everybody else. She’s a clever cookie, that girl.
• Lots of people will say “Oh, just have a little bit, it can’t hurt.” Don’t panic, don’t get embarrassed. Explain to people who don’t understand “I have a genetic disease and I need to not eat this or I get really sick.” BAM. I let the panic wash out of my skin like blush from my cheeks. This isn’t going to be too bad.

The pooping is getting so much better. I just can’t believe how quickly it’s all happening. The main thing I have noticed though? Energy. Not like, oh yeah, I feel pretty good…More like ENERGY!!!!!!!! No more sleepy headed lady, no sir! I think my family and friends are already sick of me announcing everything like this -> HEY GUYZ LETS DO THIS LETS GO YEAH YEAH I’M READY AND I’M SO EXCITED. Most of my conversations have gone from … to ?!?!?!?!?YEAH!!!!!!!

Things I have struggled with this week:

People who ask “But what do you EAT?!”

Going out for dinner and after asking the staff about GF options, being told the only thing I could have was a bowl of steamed vegetables. Upon receiving the smallest bowl known to mankind, I discovered they were 90% onion and 10% purple cabbage and I easily could’ve had a little cry because  I do wear a lot of black and am a silly little emo, probably. Or it might’ve been the onions.

Dry, crumbly GF food. It doesn’t have to be like that, yo.

Things that have helped this week:

Mexican food. It’s made of corn and beans. It ain’t hurtin’ mah belly.

Baking my own glorious things of non-belly-hurties.

When the boyfriend screeches about finding new gluten free things in the supermarket “BABY! LOOK! BBQ SAUCE! Corrrr!”

Finding people who understand.

Turning up to the tiny little pub down the road and asking them through gritted teeth what is GF from their menu and being asked to wait a moment while they spoke to the chef. I cringed and thought back to the books I’ve been reading, namely one which keeps reiterating that I SHOULD NOT BE EMBARRASSED. This is a disease, I am not being fussy. Remember all the toilets you collected? So I shook myself and stood up tall in my little shoes (black, of course) and the waiter returned to tell me they could make me anything I liked. So, obviously I asked for a Unicorn steak with Loch Ness Monster nectar. They told me they were all out* so I asked for fish and they made me THE GREATEST DINNER EVER. Grilled barramundi, mashed potatoes, broccoli, carrots, beans all drenched in happiness (or maybe lemon and dill, I could be mistaken).

*sometimes I lie a bit when I get excited.

Iceberg Commeth: The unspoken truths.

I was sitting there thinking about the Titanic and Rose being a crazy biddy throwing her treasure (pronounced "tray-shurr" if you’re a pirate) into the sea when I remembered I should’ve been listening. There I was, five days post hospital visit, sitting in the pale musk-stick coloured doctor’s office mere seconds after the words I had been expecting fell out of his mouth and onto my earholes “The biopsies we performed have confirmed that you do indeed have Coeliac Disease."

However, a few minutes later, as soon as he said “iceberg” (see above) I was gone (I also giggled because it mildly resembled a boob). Probably at an inappropriate time too, seeing as, oh, he was only telling me I had a chronic disease that would need murf murf and something rah rah to keep it under control. I had no idea where to find a murf, let alone plural so I thought maybe I should google it  (um, that’s disgusting and completely unrelated, but wow) then I realised I should probably be listening. Oh, scheisse! 

Just then I got my lucky break when he said “I’m sorry, but I forget what I was about to say…?”

Jumping on this ripe opportunity like the filthy little girl that I am, I cleverly offered “Maybe just go back over what you were just talking about and you’ll remember…?”

Dr. ummed and ahhed and then said “Okay so I was saying basically only 25% of people present with symptoms and that’s just the tip of the iceberg…” (see image above, um, pretty sure his diagram is a bit off if that's 25%, but I still like him). Oh! So that’s where my titanic fail of a tangent came from. Leo was sinking and Rose was floating away on a seabiscuit and then she died not long afterwards of untreated Coeliac Disease. Oh, I tuned him out again didn’t I?

“…there is currently no cure. You’ll need to adhere to the strict gluten-free diet because that’s the only treatment we currently have for this disease.” Oh, he was totally saying stuff I think I already knew. Thank fark. Well, really I should say thank fark for this website, because that’s how I was able to feel all proud and puffed up about my general knowledge on the topic. I thanked Dr. and went home to research some more before my nutritionist appointment later this week.

After reading through a few pages I came to an article on the lesser known symptoms of Coeliac Disease. One instantly jumped out at me. Irritability. This struck a chord with me. It's going to sound like a cop out, but I just hadn’t felt like myself in such a long time. The past five days as I've started this "Farewell to Gluten" I have gradually felt like I’ve been turning back into the wonderful little caterpillar who gets the early worm that I once was (I might be confusing my metaphors here, but the message is the same).

It's simple really: Eating gluten=unhappy belly=unhappy person.

The past eight or so months have been happy ones, don’t get me wrong, but they have been punctuated by moodswings, bouts of depression and general irritability that my loved ones never deserved. I blamed hormones most of the time, but I have a feeling I was wrong. If I'm poisoning my body with things it can't process, it seems pretty likely I wouldn't be feeling 100% myself. I may just be blaming me being a crappy girlfriend on an ailment here, but you know what? Who cares? My feelings, energy and moods are all getting better now. Slowly things are returning to full steam. Even if it's just because I have an answer to all my poop issues, then that's enough for me.

Thinking about irritability as a side effect  made me realise there was more to it than that.

Nobody talks about how much sitting on the toilet all day will turn you into a cranky-stein’s monster. How you feel after twenty minutes of blind panic in the queue to get out of the supermarket because you just sneezed and there is an incredibly high possibility that you just pooped your pants a little. Who wouldn’t feel confident, sexy and beautiful at a time like this?

Nobody talks about how much this can affect you in your personal life and I am eternally grateful that I have an alien for a boyfriend who is unaffected by these things. If anything, he laughs with me. Because nobody talks about how tired you can feel and how much you just need somebody who doesn’t ever mind pressing pause when you spend the evening running back and forth to the bathroom during an attempt to watch Donnie Darko for the eightieth time.

“Courage does not always roar, sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow.'”  Maryanne Radanbacher.

Somehow, I feel like this relates. Also, tossing in a motivational quote from time to time is bound to raise my status as an intelligent writer causing masses of people to think I am a genius. I sometimes wear smart-looking reading glasses too, that’s got to mean something for my general cleverness. Maryanne, you’re a bit of alright. In fact you’re probably heaps of alright and a bit of amazing.

So, I'm five days into my "Farewell to Gluten" and I was already feeling like a new lady. With the guidance of my doctor and assistance from friends and my applause worthy boyfriend we went on a journey of discovery. No label was left unturned. We are still gradually discovering what is SAFE and what is UH-OH at the supermarket and it's a fun journey. More on that in the next few entries.

And the poop. Oh, the poop! Praise the gourds, it is slowly resembling solid normalcy! Already! The urgency is growing fainter with each day and the churning is at a low whisper. I still have little relapses and I'm sure my body will take some time to readjust after being full of all the things it is allergic to for so long, but we are definitely getting there! Ready for a new start, I am (Yoda).

I'm off to the nutritionist this Wednesday so I shall update further after her expert advice has been bestowed upon me. I will clear my mind of iceberg tangents for the WHOLE time, cross my heart. This is the big important appointment which will help me the most so far, so I’m totally amped. I'll probably wear my genius glasses so she knows I’m serious and everything.

Things to look forward to in the coming weeks on my “Farewell to Bread and Other Tasty Things”:

• A review of gluten free beer available in Brisbane. This is obviously being completed for the good of the citizens in this city and the world. And my household. Mainly because my lovely friends purchased one last week and it was flat and tasted like beer cordial and I’m now on a mission to do better.
• The beginning of my own list of Coeliac Friendly businesses in QLD (Gosh, researching so far makes me wish I was able to access American products, there is SO much over there. Jebus).
• The Cupcakes of Glorious Fluffy Cloud Greatness and No Ouchies for Your Belly Recipe.
• Details about the benefits of joining the Coeliac Society of Australia when they send me my Welcome! Pack.
•  My journeys through the aisles of supermarkets and my shocking discoveries there. Yes, you SHOULD wait on the edge of your seat. But if it hurts your bum, you could move back, I wouldn't be offended.

Things I am struggling with this week:

• The loss of oreos (may they rest in pieces inside the bellies of my housemates).
•  Already feeling like people think I’m “just being a fussy eater” and having to explain that this is the only cure and if I don’t stick to this strict diet, it’s not just exhaustion, diarrhoea and vomiting that suck, but ALLTHEBADTHINGSWILLHAPPEN to my body i.e. cancer, infertility, early death, diabetes and so much more.
• The fact that it costs $100 to join the Coeliac Society, even if the benefits and extras are great. Of course I will still do it, though.
• Waving goodbye to Vegie Burgers, they’ve always made me happy, now I wish them only the best on their journey to make other people happy.

Things which are helping with my transition:

• Gluten free vegemite aka Vegiespread (smells like a brewery, but teamed with cheese on a corn/rice cracker = childhood flashbacks to recess and super dooper good feelings).
• Awesome people who message to tell me when they’ve found delicious, Coeliac friendly things.
• Gluten free gravy (salty and weird, but fun! <- I’ve been described similarly to this, also).
• Sushi (<3 thank you, japan. So much).
• My dad for asking me if there is gluten in cigarettes (oh, I love him).
• Corn tortillas from coles (buy them in the Mexican section, NOT the bread section unless you want to pay 3 times the price. WTF? I know, right? Villainous).
• My boyfriend for not only doing this strict diet with me, but having THE SUPER ENTHUSIASM. I know, right? Amazing. <3<3<3.
• Imogen Heap. Not because she’s gluten free (I have no idea, maybe she is and then she might be delicious), just because it’s fun to sing along with the loud synthesizer noises in her music while cooking.

How I collected all the bathrooms.

It all started when I was sitting on the toilet. The work toilet, not my home toilet. I had spent so much time perched on this toilet going twosies while staring at the same cream coloured door with it's slender, matte silver handle that swung slightly too far to the left that I loudly announced to the bathroom "Enough!"
I was so tired of sitting uncomfortably and thinking "What's wrong with me?" I realised I should be positive. Cheer up Charlie etc. I like collecting things. All sorts of things. Bottles, candles, feathers, typewriter keys. So I started a new collection: bathrooms and the backs of their doors. Sort of like Pokemon, I was going to catch them all (wait, ew?). If I was going to spend this much time in bathrooms, I was going to make it my hobby. My home one with it's ugly brown and orange lino, pale yellow door and round, smiley face doorknob (it's not a real face, it's those ones you can find in everyday objects, sort of like the grandpa in my lace curtain growing up and the jesus in my friend's skirting boards of her old place). Oh, the hours I've spent staring at these little details. Finding the faces in my landscape. Trying not to think about the pain and churning in my stomach, the cold sweat trickling down my forehead and the fact that toilet paper somehow decided to turn into tree bark after the tenth wipe (I'm certain of it). Here is a brief list of just some of the bathrooms I've collected:

• The crissycrossy metal doors in the toilets at Toombul. Fluoro lighting, long mirrors. Very shiny, very doctor's surgery.
• "You are beautiful!" exclaimed the loopy scrawl on the back of the public toilet door I collected in Woodfordia. I smiled when the skinny-spider-handwriting beneath it added "I hate penis."
• The back of the sliding starwars door in the robot toilet in a carpark in Ballina that washes itself when you leave. It says "Thank you for washing your hands" when you use the sink and it made me feel like a cyborg. In a good way, obv.
• The glorious, yet disturbing bathroom at The Tivoli with it's faux stone and pale pinks. Comes complete with a couch (for what, just hanging out in the toilet? Um, classy people are weird...) and ornate, oval mirrors.
• My favourite: the door in our new house's bathroom has my big, black metal circle (previously the inhabitant of the loungeroom wall) with magnetic poetry all over it. This was my idea in order to distract myself nicely while perched on the toilet of our new abode. Because, really, I got tired of talking to the smiling door handle in our old house. There's only so much I could say to it before I felt offended and alone from it's lack of response. Now I busy myself with offensive and inspirational (often one in the same) haiku while I'm making poopies.

Some of you (like I'm so confident there are people reading this? Gosh) might wonder "Why the fark would she write about toilets? Her poop? Her hours spent sweating it out in the bathroom? What a filthy girl!" And you'd be right, I probably am a filthy girl, but after hours spent trolling through other people's blogs and medical websites I saw how nobody talks about the "real" side of having this experience thrust upon you.
The experience I'm talking about? I'll get to it.

I got to a point though, where enough was enough. So tired of having to cut nice conversations short, missing vital parts of movies and never feeling comfortable. I never really thought much about it other than "My belly is a strange place." Gradually as the months passed I spent more and more time collecting bathroom doors. After collecting all the bathrooms in the land I realised "Wow, I've pooped everywhere in this city, what should I do now?" My first thought was to conquer the toilets of America. Then I realised I'd probably need a plane ticket and a lot of planning and by that time I got bored and distracted and thought that maybe I should go find out WHY I had been spending so much time in these bathrooms.

So I went to the doctor and told him "I can't stop pooping. I have issues going to the bathroom all the time, I feel bloated and sick and dizzy and disgusting. HALP!" (or something similar) He first told me to put the lime in the coconut (okay, not really, but I totally wished he would) THEN he said "Okay, let's do a bunch of tests!" We shouted yippee and *cue montage of me pooping into jars* did some tests and everything came back negative. At my next visit he asked me alot of questions and eventually came to the conclusion that perhaps we should test for Coeliac Disease. Dun dun dunnnnnn. My grandmother thinks she has it (she's a hypochondriac) and my uncle is intolerant of gluten, but not entirely allergic. Enough family history for him, I guess. Off I trotted for a plethora of blood, poop and urine tests which finally, FINALLY gave me an answer.
The blood tests came back positive for Coeliac Disease and I felt like a weight had been lifted. We high fived (really, he's that cool) and booked me in for an endoscopy, biopsy of the small bowel and gastroscopy.
In preparation for this day I had to eat a wheat heavy diet, something which hit me for six. I was so bloated my stomach was a mountain when I laid down. I was spewing and pooping like a champion in the days leading up to my hospital date and in the end I just kept thinking "This better bloody be over soon."
My worst fear? Them telling me the tests were wrong and they still weren't sure what was wrong with me. That I would continue collecting toilet doors, lethargic, bloated, nauseated for the rest of my life and never feel like "me" again.
Monday (two days ago) I had my procedure and it all went fine. I get my results this Friday, and quite frankly, I am jittery with excitement. I can't wait for the light at the end of the tunnel. To find out how to tackle this and how to turn my life around.

This entry is simply an introduction to my journey into learning about how to be a normal, happy person with Coeliac Disease. How to find humour in this somewhat embarrassing and strange ailment and to hopefully help others in my city or elsewhere to find good food that doesn't kill us or lead to cancer/infertility/further allergies, cos hey, those things sound pretty lame.
I plan to come here to document how I am approaching this situation, how my family and friends are helping or hindering and also to have something to reflect back on to see how I was feeling throughout the process of change.
I look forward to being here, but mostly I look forward to having more to say than a blog about poop, toilet doors and, well, that was all I really said, I suppose.
Welcome to my farewell to bread (and other tasty things)!