Snow White and her apple cake of glory.

So, I have snow in my hair. For a few years now I’ve been struggling with what I thought was dandruff (uber embarrassing when you brush your hair out of your face and shower your black clothes in white freckles. Black because you’re clever and hip and a little bit emo, obv.) and have now owned every single type of anti-dandruff shampoo available in Oz and none of them have ever made a dent in the problem.

 My last visit to the hairdresser about six months ago (I don’t go very often, I cut my own hair until it gets to the point where people giggle and sneer at the rat’s nest atop my noggin THEN and only then will I pay money for someone to touch it. That’s what she said. Lol. I also cut my hair myself because I’m indie and devil-may-care and a super cool trend setter, obv. Double lol.) I was talking to the hairdresser about it AGAIN and she suggested that maybe it’s not dandruff, but actually a really, really dry scalp. I said “Polly (Her name isn’t Polly, but I LOVE the name Polly, so let’s just imagine it is because I have no idea what her name is. How rude of me? I paid her to touch me and everything. Lol!) I’ve tried every single type of moisturising product there is too, I’ve tried everything!! It won’t go away!!” Polly, being the clever salesman ninja that she is, sold me expensive fancypants conditioner which made my hair beautiful and soft, but had no effect on the white death on my scalp (damn you, Polly!). In the past few months it has only escalated to a point where I was nervous to touch my hair at all for fear of the dust storm that would inevitably ensue.

I’ll get to my point now.

I was lucky enough to receive my Coeliac Society WELCOME! package a few days ago. Said package of excitement and greatness was filled to the brim with information and samples. Oh, go on, have a look!

Upon foraging through the information I discovered a pamphlet all about Coeliac skin problems and found that it can lead to alopecia (I don't have that, but I thought it was interesting) which obviously makes me think of The O.C and China the horse who had the same problem. The major connection that I was interested in was with Coeliac Disease and Psoriasis/Dermatitis Herpetiformis. Yuckers. Itchy, skin rash of crazy proportions which is directly related to the disease which can sometimes be in specific patches, like the scalp. DUN DUN DUNNNNN. How frightening. I scratch my head just re-reading about it. But yet again that feeling of relief came over me. A REASON. OH, HAPPY DAY!

 Supposedly if I stick to the diet, the symptoms will disappear. After speaking with the nutritionist (update below) last week I learned that my “gut” (lol) won’t heal from all the damage of the allergic reactions until at least 2 months time, six months to see the overall affects. So I’m hoping the same goes for the whole snowfield hair situation. I can't wait to run my fingers through my own hair and not have a PANIC! moment (see, I had a point!).

So, obviously, if I’m writing about dandruff, that leads me to share a recipe for cake with you. The two go hand in hand: sprinkles. duh.

Chocolate Apple Cake of Tasty Mouth Explosions

4 apples, grated

¾ cup corn flour

¾ cup rice flour

¼ cup cocoa

1/3 cup caster sugar/brown sugar/ agave syrup

1 teaspoon bicarb

¼ cup almond meal

3 eggs, beaten slightly

2 bananas, mashed

1/3 cup vegetable oil

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract (NOT essence, it’s not GF)

Icing: 1 cup icing sugar

 1 tablespoon cocoa powder

2 tablespoons of juice (apple would be good, I used V8 berry juice)

1. Preheat oven to 180 degrees celsius, 160 if fanforced. Line lamington/brownie pan (20cm x 30cm ish) with baking paper.

2. Peel and grate apples. The recipe I used as a guide told me to then chop the grated apple, but I didn’t and it gave it a wonderful texture. Like biting into moss or something.

3. Sift all dry ingredients together into a large bowl, stir in the apple, meal, eggs, oil and extract. Pour into pan.

4. Bake for around 45 mins.

5. Meanwhile make icing, when cake is finished, tip out upside down to cool on wire rack and ice when cooled. You won't have time to take a photo before a significant chunk is already in the bellies of your loved ones:

OM NOM NOM.

So, the nutritionist was wonderful and gave me lists and lists of things I CAN eat, rather than can’t. Praise the gourds! She has also asked me to document everything I eat for the next two weeks before reporting back for judgement and suggestions. I am Jack’s healing colon.  Things I learned from the nutritionist:

• She talked to me a lot about osteoporosis and how I need to be really careful in making sure I have ALL THE CALCIUM EVER each day. So I took her advice and all the yoghurt and cheese in the land now resides in our fridge. 
• Seeded mustard, vanilla essence, liquorice and white vinegar are all dangerous and un-eatable for Coeliac peeps. I had no idea!
• The main challenge will be eating out at restaurants and getting “quick meals.” She gave me a list of some places in the area which are starting to cater for spesh’ people like us, but also lovely tips like making/getting GF pizza bases and putting sauce and toppings on them, wrapping them in gladwrap and putting them in the freezer. Ta-da! Frozen pizza like everybody else. She’s a clever cookie, that girl.
• Lots of people will say “Oh, just have a little bit, it can’t hurt.” Don’t panic, don’t get embarrassed. Explain to people who don’t understand “I have a genetic disease and I need to not eat this or I get really sick.” BAM. I let the panic wash out of my skin like blush from my cheeks. This isn’t going to be too bad.

The pooping is getting so much better. I just can’t believe how quickly it’s all happening. The main thing I have noticed though? Energy. Not like, oh yeah, I feel pretty good…More like ENERGY!!!!!!!! No more sleepy headed lady, no sir! I think my family and friends are already sick of me announcing everything like this -> HEY GUYZ LETS DO THIS LETS GO YEAH YEAH I’M READY AND I’M SO EXCITED. Most of my conversations have gone from … to ?!?!?!?!?YEAH!!!!!!!

Things I have struggled with this week:

People who ask “But what do you EAT?!”

Going out for dinner and after asking the staff about GF options, being told the only thing I could have was a bowl of steamed vegetables. Upon receiving the smallest bowl known to mankind, I discovered they were 90% onion and 10% purple cabbage and I easily could’ve had a little cry because  I do wear a lot of black and am a silly little emo, probably. Or it might’ve been the onions.

Dry, crumbly GF food. It doesn’t have to be like that, yo.

Things that have helped this week:

Mexican food. It’s made of corn and beans. It ain’t hurtin’ mah belly.

Baking my own glorious things of non-belly-hurties.

When the boyfriend screeches about finding new gluten free things in the supermarket “BABY! LOOK! BBQ SAUCE! Corrrr!”

Finding people who understand.

Turning up to the tiny little pub down the road and asking them through gritted teeth what is GF from their menu and being asked to wait a moment while they spoke to the chef. I cringed and thought back to the books I’ve been reading, namely one which keeps reiterating that I SHOULD NOT BE EMBARRASSED. This is a disease, I am not being fussy. Remember all the toilets you collected? So I shook myself and stood up tall in my little shoes (black, of course) and the waiter returned to tell me they could make me anything I liked. So, obviously I asked for a Unicorn steak with Loch Ness Monster nectar. They told me they were all out* so I asked for fish and they made me THE GREATEST DINNER EVER. Grilled barramundi, mashed potatoes, broccoli, carrots, beans all drenched in happiness (or maybe lemon and dill, I could be mistaken).

*sometimes I lie a bit when I get excited.

Iceberg Commeth: The unspoken truths.

I was sitting there thinking about the Titanic and Rose being a crazy biddy throwing her treasure (pronounced "tray-shurr" if you’re a pirate) into the sea when I remembered I should’ve been listening. There I was, five days post hospital visit, sitting in the pale musk-stick coloured doctor’s office mere seconds after the words I had been expecting fell out of his mouth and onto my earholes “The biopsies we performed have confirmed that you do indeed have Coeliac Disease."

However, a few minutes later, as soon as he said “iceberg” (see above) I was gone (I also giggled because it mildly resembled a boob). Probably at an inappropriate time too, seeing as, oh, he was only telling me I had a chronic disease that would need murf murf and something rah rah to keep it under control. I had no idea where to find a murf, let alone plural so I thought maybe I should google it  (um, that’s disgusting and completely unrelated, but wow) then I realised I should probably be listening. Oh, scheisse! 

Just then I got my lucky break when he said “I’m sorry, but I forget what I was about to say…?”

Jumping on this ripe opportunity like the filthy little girl that I am, I cleverly offered “Maybe just go back over what you were just talking about and you’ll remember…?”

Dr. ummed and ahhed and then said “Okay so I was saying basically only 25% of people present with symptoms and that’s just the tip of the iceberg…” (see image above, um, pretty sure his diagram is a bit off if that's 25%, but I still like him). Oh! So that’s where my titanic fail of a tangent came from. Leo was sinking and Rose was floating away on a seabiscuit and then she died not long afterwards of untreated Coeliac Disease. Oh, I tuned him out again didn’t I?

“…there is currently no cure. You’ll need to adhere to the strict gluten-free diet because that’s the only treatment we currently have for this disease.” Oh, he was totally saying stuff I think I already knew. Thank fark. Well, really I should say thank fark for this website, because that’s how I was able to feel all proud and puffed up about my general knowledge on the topic. I thanked Dr. and went home to research some more before my nutritionist appointment later this week.

After reading through a few pages I came to an article on the lesser known symptoms of Coeliac Disease. One instantly jumped out at me. Irritability. This struck a chord with me. It's going to sound like a cop out, but I just hadn’t felt like myself in such a long time. The past five days as I've started this "Farewell to Gluten" I have gradually felt like I’ve been turning back into the wonderful little caterpillar who gets the early worm that I once was (I might be confusing my metaphors here, but the message is the same).

It's simple really: Eating gluten=unhappy belly=unhappy person.

The past eight or so months have been happy ones, don’t get me wrong, but they have been punctuated by moodswings, bouts of depression and general irritability that my loved ones never deserved. I blamed hormones most of the time, but I have a feeling I was wrong. If I'm poisoning my body with things it can't process, it seems pretty likely I wouldn't be feeling 100% myself. I may just be blaming me being a crappy girlfriend on an ailment here, but you know what? Who cares? My feelings, energy and moods are all getting better now. Slowly things are returning to full steam. Even if it's just because I have an answer to all my poop issues, then that's enough for me.

Thinking about irritability as a side effect  made me realise there was more to it than that.

Nobody talks about how much sitting on the toilet all day will turn you into a cranky-stein’s monster. How you feel after twenty minutes of blind panic in the queue to get out of the supermarket because you just sneezed and there is an incredibly high possibility that you just pooped your pants a little. Who wouldn’t feel confident, sexy and beautiful at a time like this?

Nobody talks about how much this can affect you in your personal life and I am eternally grateful that I have an alien for a boyfriend who is unaffected by these things. If anything, he laughs with me. Because nobody talks about how tired you can feel and how much you just need somebody who doesn’t ever mind pressing pause when you spend the evening running back and forth to the bathroom during an attempt to watch Donnie Darko for the eightieth time.

“Courage does not always roar, sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow.'”  Maryanne Radanbacher.

Somehow, I feel like this relates. Also, tossing in a motivational quote from time to time is bound to raise my status as an intelligent writer causing masses of people to think I am a genius. I sometimes wear smart-looking reading glasses too, that’s got to mean something for my general cleverness. Maryanne, you’re a bit of alright. In fact you’re probably heaps of alright and a bit of amazing.

So, I'm five days into my "Farewell to Gluten" and I was already feeling like a new lady. With the guidance of my doctor and assistance from friends and my applause worthy boyfriend we went on a journey of discovery. No label was left unturned. We are still gradually discovering what is SAFE and what is UH-OH at the supermarket and it's a fun journey. More on that in the next few entries.

And the poop. Oh, the poop! Praise the gourds, it is slowly resembling solid normalcy! Already! The urgency is growing fainter with each day and the churning is at a low whisper. I still have little relapses and I'm sure my body will take some time to readjust after being full of all the things it is allergic to for so long, but we are definitely getting there! Ready for a new start, I am (Yoda).

I'm off to the nutritionist this Wednesday so I shall update further after her expert advice has been bestowed upon me. I will clear my mind of iceberg tangents for the WHOLE time, cross my heart. This is the big important appointment which will help me the most so far, so I’m totally amped. I'll probably wear my genius glasses so she knows I’m serious and everything.

Things to look forward to in the coming weeks on my “Farewell to Bread and Other Tasty Things”:

• A review of gluten free beer available in Brisbane. This is obviously being completed for the good of the citizens in this city and the world. And my household. Mainly because my lovely friends purchased one last week and it was flat and tasted like beer cordial and I’m now on a mission to do better.
• The beginning of my own list of Coeliac Friendly businesses in QLD (Gosh, researching so far makes me wish I was able to access American products, there is SO much over there. Jebus).
• The Cupcakes of Glorious Fluffy Cloud Greatness and No Ouchies for Your Belly Recipe.
• Details about the benefits of joining the Coeliac Society of Australia when they send me my Welcome! Pack.
•  My journeys through the aisles of supermarkets and my shocking discoveries there. Yes, you SHOULD wait on the edge of your seat. But if it hurts your bum, you could move back, I wouldn't be offended.

Things I am struggling with this week:

• The loss of oreos (may they rest in pieces inside the bellies of my housemates).
•  Already feeling like people think I’m “just being a fussy eater” and having to explain that this is the only cure and if I don’t stick to this strict diet, it’s not just exhaustion, diarrhoea and vomiting that suck, but ALLTHEBADTHINGSWILLHAPPEN to my body i.e. cancer, infertility, early death, diabetes and so much more.
• The fact that it costs $100 to join the Coeliac Society, even if the benefits and extras are great. Of course I will still do it, though.
• Waving goodbye to Vegie Burgers, they’ve always made me happy, now I wish them only the best on their journey to make other people happy.

Things which are helping with my transition:

• Gluten free vegemite aka Vegiespread (smells like a brewery, but teamed with cheese on a corn/rice cracker = childhood flashbacks to recess and super dooper good feelings).
• Awesome people who message to tell me when they’ve found delicious, Coeliac friendly things.
• Gluten free gravy (salty and weird, but fun! <- I’ve been described similarly to this, also).
• Sushi (<3 thank you, japan. So much).
• My dad for asking me if there is gluten in cigarettes (oh, I love him).
• Corn tortillas from coles (buy them in the Mexican section, NOT the bread section unless you want to pay 3 times the price. WTF? I know, right? Villainous).
• My boyfriend for not only doing this strict diet with me, but having THE SUPER ENTHUSIASM. I know, right? Amazing. <3<3<3.
• Imogen Heap. Not because she’s gluten free (I have no idea, maybe she is and then she might be delicious), just because it’s fun to sing along with the loud synthesizer noises in her music while cooking.